•  "This big standing-room only crowd is settling into their seats."
•  "It's raining like a Chinese fire drill!"
•  (After Brian Jordan was hit by a pitch for the 4th time on a single road trip):
"Jordan must feel like a Ouija Board."
•  (Referring to Bernard Gilkey):
"He was originally born in University City."
"He's faster than a chicken being chased by Ronald McDonald!"
•  (Referring to Mike Schmidt):
"the longtime, and soon-to-be, Hall-of-Famer."
•  (Referring to Hideo Nomo):
"He's the biggest thing to hit Japan since they dropped the bomb on Nagashima!"
•  "This game is off to a rather conspicuous start, don't you think. Jack?"
•  "Well, folks, this game began as a tiny worm, and is blossoming into a large cobra."
•  "That foul tip bounced up and caught him right in the groins...and that'll really clear your eyes out."
•  "A hit up the middle right now would be like a nice ham sandwich and a cold, frosty one."
•  (Broadcasting from New York under a full moon):
"I wish you folks back in St. Louis could see this moon."
•  (On the day before Easter):
"I just want to tell everyone 'Happy Easter and Happy Hanukkah.'"
•  "Things are not always as they appear to be as."
•  "Well, he did everything right to get ready for the throw, but if ya ain't got the hose, the water just won't come out."
•  "Our next homestand follows this road trip."
•  (Referring to a home run by Ted Simmons):
"and that's the bread on Simmons' butter."
•  "The right-hander is throwing up (instead of 'up, throwing') in the bullpen."
•  "I've heard it said that if you know English, Spanish, Italian, and I think it's French, you can go just about anywhere in this world...except China where they have all those derelicts."
After a pause, Joe Buch suggested that Mike has meant to say "dialects." Mike responded, "Yeah, dialects! That's what I mean...but they've got a lot of derelicts too!"
•  "He ran to second faster than a cat in Chinatown."
•  "I wouldn't have see it if I hadn't believed it."
•  "Don't bite off your head to spite your nose."
•  Joe: "Mike, the Cardinals would like to welcome a group of 19 French foreign exchange students in Section 382."
Mike: "Where're they from, Joe?"
Joe: "Uhh, France, I think."
•  A couple of years back, Mike and Joe were discussing the unflattering photographs of players that had been flashed on the screen at another ballpark. Mike's take on the quality of the photo selection was:
"Some of those guys look like the picture was taken while they were seeing their first UFO."
After several seconds of laughter, Joe added, "As opposed to their second or third."
•  "The wind switched 360 degrees."
•  "Boy, a cold, frosty Budweiser would be great about now"...long pause...then an "ahhh"
•  Mike's classic: "Ol' Abner Doubleday has done it again."
•  "It's raining so hard I thought it was going to stop."
•  "The crowd's on their feet for the Canadian Star Bangled Banner."
•  "Back in the day when I played, a pitcher had 3 pitches: a fastball, a curveball, a slider, a changeup and a good sinker pitch."